How do you mourn yourself? How do you gain the strength to get out of bed everyday, put on a face, and act like nothing’s wrong? At age 16, I was diagnosed with depression. Shortly after, I was told I suffered from anxiety as well. It was my junior year & my life was falling apart. One day i went down to our local pier ready to jump in & end my life. but then i got a phone call from a friend. he said “idk i just had this feeling i should call you. so i did.” and i walked back home. because i took that as a sign that it wasn’t my time to go. that my life still had a purpose to serve. my senior year i met my husband. for a while my depression didn’t go away but i wasn’t always sulking. but on january 9, 2016; i relapsed after being almost 4 years clean from self harm. i felt like everything was spiraling & i really just could not for the life of me grasp onto it. then he went off to boot camp & i was still okay for a while. i found out i was pregnant with j. i was over the moon because my mom passed when i was 1, so i’ve never had a bond with her. i have a step mom, but it wasn’t until recently that we became close. after i had j, postpartum depression hit me like a fucking truck. my doctor really just wants to put me on the meds. i keep telling him i don’t need it, i’ll be okay. but he thinks it’s in my best interest & right now i think so too. i have good days, but i also still have bad days. & on those bad days, things are really bad. i don’t get out of bed, i barely eat. the longest i went without bathing was maybe 5 days. and my anxiety? oh boy, still sky high. i can’t drive. when it’s just me home i have almost every light on. i constantly check the doors. whenever i leave the house even if hubs is home i check every room & closet. if hubs isn’t home i never go downstairs. if i have to, i make sure every light is on & i won’t turn it off until i completely check the room. if i’m downstairs & jordan is upstairs i swear i hear him screaming & crying but i run upstairs & he’s sound asleep. whenever we go out, i check the car before we get in every single time we get out. i feel like i’m constantly living in either fear or sadness & on my bad days, both. truthfully idk how i’m getting through life right now. i guess all that matters is that i am.