Mental Stability, or lack there of..

Clearly I haven’t been keeping up with my gratitude challenge, but I did so good while I was writing them.

A lot has been going on and it has been challenging my mental stability. Everything from school to life to my mom. I feel like I’ve been hit with everything all at once. Life is never fair, I’ve always known this, but sometimes I feel like I’m being attacked by life for no fucking reason.

Most of y’all know the shit show that is my mom and that I have been having issues with her for a while, on and off. I feel almost like dealing with her is exhausting my mental capacity and at this point I don’t have much left to deal with everything else in life. She’s such a fucking child and always plays victim. I’m sick and tired of having to deal with her outbursts over the smallest shit.

I’ve been quiet for a while and have let things build for far too long. I’ve broken the barrier and shit has started spilling out. I feel better, in a sense, but there is still so much more to go. I will never fully feel like I’ve dealt her what she deserves because I can’t be that hateful. It’s just not who I am.

She turns shit on her all the time. It’s sickening the shit she’s said and done. She’s said, on many occasions, that I fake my mental illnesses for attention. I guess the psychiatrist I was seeing falsely diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. -shrug-

I cannot phathom how a PARENT can look their kid in the face and tell them they’re faking anxiety attacks for attention. Maybe if you gave two fucks about me you’d realize it’s fucking legit and that YOU ARE PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM.

Not only have I faked my mental illnesses but according to my mom I also lied about being raped for attention.

I’m sick to my stomach that she even thinks for one fucking second I’d lie about that. It was a traumatizing experience for me. I was young, innocent, and home alone when it happened. Again, my mom was not there. She was “at work” but was she really at work? One will never know. She will never admit to not being there or leaving me home alone at a young age. It will always be my issue and something I “have to work out on my own”, never will it be something her lack of parenting caused.

On top of the shit with my mom I’m finishing my last semester of my associates program and trying so hard to finish it with a 4.0, which is not fucking easy. I’ve been interning with an amazing hospice agency and through this experience I have learned so much. It’s amazing the amount of passion I’ve felt from the people that I’ve worked with through this experience. I can’t wait to see where the skills I learned take me in real life.

Homeschooling is done for the school year. I turned in all of A’s paperwork today that was required by the state. It was a relief turning it all in and being done with it for the time being. I’ve already began working on how next year will go and I’m excited to see where it all goes from here.

I guess, at the end of the day (or blog post), I just needed to vent about some shit. Life is about to become a lot more hectic with my bachelor program starting in a month and then fourth grade starting for A in September. The rest of the year is going for be hectic.

August – my birthday, hubs’ birthday, niece birthday, and my brother’s son is due. I start my bachelor program.

September – S’s birthday. A starts fourth grade.

October – A’s birthday.

November – niece is due.

December – FIL’s birthday.

And obviously all the holidays that fall in between them as well. Deep breaths.

5 thoughts on “Mental Stability, or lack there of..

    1. As much as I enjoy talking to people who know what’s it’s like to not have an amazing mom.. I also hate it because I know what that feels like. 😔 Same goes for you! I’m always open to listen or just talk!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Hello, Wow! That was a lot to take in. I also can relate to you on many levels. (Minus the mom ordeal). I too was date raped when younger, I have been diagnosed with severe depression, bipolar 2, anxiety, panic attacks, and as a bonus… Insomnia.
    I have to applaud you though for all your accomplishments through all the trying times that you have endured. You see, my mom was so supportive when all the shit was hitting the fan in my life. This was because she had endured the same thing you are going through with my grandmother (God rest her soul). I was told by my mom & other family members that I was a ditto of my grandmother.
    After my stint in the hospital, I was advised to go visit a mental health facility to guide me through coping skills and grounding techniques. I learned that meditation was the most helpful regarding my nerves being shot to hell.
    I too kept a “Gratitude” journal entry, but haven’t for a good portion of the last year, but after reading your entry, I feel compelled to restart this again. So, I thank you for this.
    If you ever need to talk or want to even look at my blog as a way to learn other techniques to assist you, please feel free too. I hope to read more and follow you on your journey.
    Take care of yourself. Beckie

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, first off, for taking the time to read this! I’m glad that from this post you are planning to continue with your gratitude journal entries, it means a lot to me. I will most definitely check out your blog, and follow your journey as well. I’ve learned quite a lot over my journey through these mental illnesses and I hope that I can at least help one person learn a new technique to make their journey a little easier.

      Liked by 1 person

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