I have been having this weird feeling of overwhelm that has been coming and going lately. I don’t know how to explain it but I know I don’t like it. It is taking away from my ability to do what is needed of me.
At times I don’t know if I can function as a mom, let alone a human being. There’s days where I feel so overwhelmed that I can barely finish what needs to be done. I’m a list maker and I have a lot of lists that I use around the house everyday. It bugs the hell out of me when I can’t get everything on them crossed off or when something comes up that isn’t planned and I know that everyone has days when they can’t do everything on their list but it seriously gives me such bad anxiety when I can’t get to something. To the point where I will stay up all night just to say I finished my list.
At one point I attempted putting my planners away and getting rid of my lists but that made everything so much worse. I feel better when I have everything planned out and I know what’s going to happen when…I function better when I know what’s going on, down to the smallest detail. That’s how I have always been and it has gotten worse since I’ve had kids.
When I first had A I was a wreck not knowing when she would wake and all that. I didn’t want to leave the house because I didn’t know when she would cry or when she would need to eat. I knew she normally went every 3 hours like clockwork but part of me didn’t want to go out because of the chance that she could switch shit up whenever. I don’t like the unknown. It kills me.
When we had S I put her on a schedule from the get go. In my head this would make my outings a little more manageable. This soon gave me a reality check and I realized that when you have kids there is absolutely no way to know when things are going to happen, how they will happen, and if they will happen at all times. It’s impossible. Fucking impossible.
I wrote all that to say that today I was doing dishes and my feet kept getting wet but I had not dripped any water. I wiped up the water from the floor and kept doing dishes. This happened like four times before I realized what was going on. The water was seeping through the floor every time I stepped in certain areas. I called hubs into the kitchen and had him check it out. We came to the conclusion that the hot water heater was leaking. So we take the cover off and sure enough… the bottom of the casing is full of fucking water.
We get that out of the house and start pulling up the kitchen floor (wood pattern linoleum) and we find another layer of linoleum under it. Under that is a layer of plywood with another layer of linoleum under that. We peeled up the third layer of linoleum to find another layer of plywood. This level of plywood is not wet so we think the actual world flooring will be fine. We are hoping and praying it’s okay, anyway.
The whole time we are doing this my anxiety is through the roof because of all the unknowns. I can’t handle it. Hubs kept telling me to go sit down or go play with the girls, that he would do it, but I had to stay and see what all was going on and what was needed. We still don’t know 100% what all needs replaced so I’m still a little on edge but I’m trying my hardest to keep calm and just let things go as they will. Way easier said than done for me.
I’m sitting here now wondering how much flooring we will need, what size heater we will need, how we should just redo the whole kitchen like I want to anyway since the flooring is all ripped up and shit, and if we can afford all this fucking shit. It’s annoying as hell… this couldn’t happen at like tax time, could it?? Of fucking course not.
We had plans to do this all at tax time and that be out r project this year.. but no.. life has other plans for us. 😩😩
I’ll end this here.. maybe I can get some rest.. probably not but eh, worth a shot.