Life

Ramblings & updates

So I asked and twitter answered…

Y’all wanna hear about my marriage and life.. so exciting. Lol.

Counseling is a thing of the past, thankfully. We have gotten to the point where communication has improved tremendously. Our biggest issue was the lack of understanding when it came to my past and the things that I have been through.

Hubs didn’t understand why I felt how I did, why I reacted the way I did, or any of that. It all boiled down to him not knowing what it felt like to live through the different experiences that I had. It is something that he will never fully understand but I am satisfied with how far we’ve come with his understanding of it all.

He grew up with parents who are still married, always lived in the same house he was brought home to, and has never dealt with lack of love and support. All things I would love to have had growing up from my parents but it was never there. I’m ashamed to say that I don’t honestly who my biological dad is, and I know that is no fault of my own. I know there are three possibilities – none of which show any interest at all in knowing me or getting to know me. I see it as I have lived this long without them I don’t need them now. The guy whose last name I had  signed over his rights to my mom when I was 3 because he didn’t want to have to pay child support, the guy my mom has always told me is my dad doesn’t give a single fuck about me – not for lack of trying on my part, – and the third option is a family friend of my aunts and uncles but again shows no interest. He won’t come over when I’m up there, won’t acknowledge me at all when I see him in town. So I just quit trying. My grandpa was all I ever needed.

I got love and support from my grandparents who were much more like my parents than my actual parents. I lost my grandpa when I was 11 and my grandma when I was 19. I still don’t have a good relationship with my mom and I’ve come to be okay with that. I have my own family now and that’s what I’m focused on.

Another thing that caused a riff in our marriage was that hubs didn’t understand my depression, anxiety, or PTSD. He’s never personally dealt with them and was never able to fully understand what it felt like to live your life with them. He has come a long way and I’m thankful that he even tried to learn about my mental illnesses.

I think anxiety was the hardest for him to grasp because he’s the type of guy that if he wants something, he goes after it.. no real fears (aside from snakes lol) and is always up for anything. Anxiety has ruled my life from the very beginning.. I have gotten better at managing my attacks but it isn’t always easy. He still doesn’t get it, and he never will, but he doesn’t jump to conclusions or minimize my feelings anymore. That’s what pushed me away – his lack of trying.

We went to counseling, fixed some shit, and now we’re good. Our marriage isn’t perfect but it’s not realistic to believe that it ever will be. We’re in a good place and we’re both extremely happy.

We talk more. We laugh more. We love more.

It’s a good feeling.

Now onto life and family…

First and foremost I AM ONE EXAM AWAY FROM MY ASSOCIATES DEGREE!! Woohoo!

Okay.. now that that’s out of the way..

We’ve been talking a lot lately and have decided to try for baby number three. This is something that I never thought would happen but here we are!

My mirena is out and it’s go time! I can’t wait!

We’ve got our names picked out already and we already know how we’re going to announce, assuming it happens quickly like it did with S. It’s going to be a HUGE shock to everyone. We have been telling everyone that my shop is closed and that we’re good with two. It hasn’t stopped the begging and pleading but our answer has always been no. Not a maybe, not an eh it might happen, always a no. I’ve personally always been an eh, maybe it’ll happen but only to people on twitter, lol. To our family we’ve always been a solid no. Even a hell no at times. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aside from that we’ve been dealing with some house issues… I posted on twitter about our hot water heater leaking. Well, the lovely (I use this term very lightly) people that lived in the house before us layered the kitchen linoleum flooring.. so we didn’t know how bad it was until we started ripping away the layers, literally. Three layers of linoleum later and we hit dry flooring. Thankfully. It was a pain in the ass but I’d rather have to pull up all the layers than have to replace our subfloor and floor. That’s what we spent all weekend doing. And our hot water heater is now hooked up and ready to go!

Homeschooling for third grade is officially over! Papers are turned in and now I’m organizing and figuring shit out for fourth grade. I’m both excited and nervous. We did great our first year so I know that we will do fine this year but I always second guess myself and it’s just a pain in the ass. As soon as I finish my exam I will be focusing a little more on getting things prepared before we both start school back up.

Until next time!

2 thoughts on “Ramblings & updates

  1. An awesome read. My ex-fiance chose not to try to understand my anxiety & panic disorders in the least. So, count your blessing’s that your husband at least will attempt to be patient, and kind to you where as mine ex-kicked me out. I applaud you on both the associates and the #3. Congrats to the both of you.
    I have enjoyed reading your post because you are so down to earth.
    Thank you,
    Beckie

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! My husband has come a long way in the process of understanding. I know that he will never truly get it but I’m so thankful that he listens to me and helps in any way that he can! I’m sorry that your ex was such an ass about it and kicked you out. It seems like you’re doing much better without him, though.

      Like

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