Life

You should be here…

The other day I was riding down the road and You Should Be Here by Cole Swindell came on the radio. I’ve heard this song many, many times and it has never bothered me in the way it did then. The very first line of the song caught me off guard and instantly I was bawling. 

It’s perfect outside, it’s like god let me dial up the weather

Got the whole crew here, I ain’t seen some of them in forever

It’s one of those never forget it, better stop and take it in kinda scenes

Everything’s just right yeah except for one thing

You should be here, standing with your arm around me here

Cutting up, cracking a cold beer

Saying cheers, hey y’all it’s sure been a good year

It’s one of those moments, that’s got your name written all over it

And you know that if I had just one wish it’d

Be that you didn’t have to miss this

You should be here…

I knew then that it was about to be a rough couple of minutes and I almost pulled over but I didn’t want S to think something was wrong so I kept going and told myself that I would pull over if it got to be too much. I ended up making it through the whole song okay, but it wasn’t easy. 

This got me to thinking about all the things in my life that my grandparents have missed, especially my newest accomplishment. They won’t be at my graduation as I walk across the stage. This one stung harder than the others.

I’ve seen both my girls have imaginary friends (I call it this because ghosts is scarier) and they were my grandparents. A has told me things about my grandpa that no one has ever mentioned to her and she will tell you she talks to him all the time. It started when she was about 9 months old. When A was 2 we showed her a pic of my grandpa and asked her who it was (no one had ever mentioned his name or showed her this picture before hand) and she said “That JJ’s (my brother) papa!” She was right. From that moment on she talked to him daily. S calls her friend grandma and I can’t be sure that it really is my grandma but all signs point to yes. S doesn’t talk with her imaginary friend as much as A did but it’s still nice to see the interactions, in the only way I will for a long time to come. At first I was freaked out but then I realized that it’s their way of being in their lives when they can’t physically be here watching them grow and reach milestones. 

My grandparents were a huge part of my life, as most of y’all know, so losing them so young really hit me hard – especially my grandpa. I will never forget that day, even though a part of me would like to not remember. 

I can’t believe that it’s been almost 18 years since he died. It doesn’t seem possible. Things haven’t gotten easier, even though everyone says “Time heals all wounds.” Every year on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death I have the WORST day.. it never fails. Panic attacks, depression lows, crying all day… having to answer to A about what is wrong with me and trying my hardest not to let them see the worst of it. 

I just want to be able to wake up and spend more time with you. Big things are happening in my life and I just want to be able to share them with y’all. Y’all have already missed out on seeing me become a mom, buy a house, become a wife, become a mom of two.. and now y’all will be missing out on watching me cross the stage to receive my degree, continue on to get my bachelors and masters, and add another baby to our family. 

It’s not fair. It never will be. And rationally I know that dying is inevitable and that we don’t know when it will happen but on days like today you should be here.. 

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