Self

Depression.. my ugly truth. 

This post is from last year but sharing again to let others know depression isn’t nice, it doesn’t care, and it doesn’t hold back. It’s okay to not be okay. Take a deep breath and figure it out one day at a time. 💜

Depression is one thing that I never imagined myself ever dealing with. I don’t think anyone ever imagines themselves dealing with it, though, to be honest. I can tell you with pure confidence that it is not something that I would ever wish on anyone. It tears you apart and you will never be 100% right again.

My journey with depression started when I found my grandpa cold and lifeless on their front porch. I was young and, for a while, had no idea that what I was feeling was more than extreme sadness and loss. I kept pushing myself through the days by telling myself that it would get better and that he was no longer suffering but in reality what was happening inside of me was most definitely not getting better. In fact, I was getting worse.. day by day.

A few of the doctors that I saw said that I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and a few of them said it was depression. Now, to this day, I am not really sure if it’s one or a combination of both.. what I do know is that my life will never be the same. I am not the happy, go lucky person that I used to be. I deal with a lot of shit that I don’t always make public because I am both ashamed and scared of people’s responses.

There are few people who know all of what I have going on in my life and I both enjoy it being that way and hate it. I feel like if I were to tell more people I would have to deal with that much more judgement but on the other hand I feel like I would have that much more support.

Up until the other night my husband didn’t even know how bad it was. We’ve been together 11 years so you would think that I would hold nothing back from him but again, the fear of judgement consumes me. I know he would never judge me over this but I was just never able to spill it all to him. He knew I suffered with it and knew that I had days that were far worse than others.

The other night I had a complete mental breakdown, right in front of my husband. He was so confused. He’s seen many of my anxiety attacks but never this. In the moment I couldn’t feel anything but once I calmed down I immediately thought the worst. I wondered what he’d think, if he’d be able to handle this, if he’d be mad, etc. In my heart I knew he’d be supportive although he’d never fully understand what was going on.

We had a long talk afterwards where I admitted to how I had been feeling over the last little bit. I held back at first because on one hand I didn’t know how to express this to someone 

who wouldn’t understand and on the other I had no idea how he’d react. He grabbed me, pulled me close, and kissed my forehead and explained to me that there’s very little I could ever do to make him want to leave. All of a sudden I felt confident that if I wanted to get through this I had to tell him. He had to know.

I told him how I’d fall asleep during the day while S played, how I’d set an alarm so I could get A off the bus just in case I happened to be asleep around that time, how I only did the bare minimum for the girls while he was gone at work. He had no idea. He felt so bad. He chalked it up to it being a rough time at school with lots of homework and he knew I’d get back on my grind.

The hurt in his eyes was immeasurable. He couldn’t believe how he wasn’t able to see it even though we live together & are always with each other. I told him it was not his fault – that I’ve learned to hide it really well over the years and that a lot of people don’t know and wouldn’t pick up on it. Is that a good thing? No. But that’s where I’m at and that’s something I have to work on myself.

That night was the first night in a long while that I’ve fallen asleep on his chest all cuddled up. Normally I’m up way after him and have to sneak into bed so I don’t wake him up. So it felt really nice to just be there, in the moment, completely raw. I felt closer to him than I had in a long time. I honestly think that’s what I needed – a good meltdown & closeness with my husband, my best friend.

This has been an ongoing struggle for me for over 15 years and although I have had months where I feel amazing I always fall back down into my lows. It’s never easy and never when I think it’ll happen. Depression hits me when I least expect it. This past month nothing has happened to cause me to be so low or depressed, I just was.

So many people expect you to have answers and the sad truth is, we don’t. If we knew what, how, why, or when.. we’d have much better control of the matter. Yeah, there’s medication to help but I didn’t like how it made me react. People have their own ways of making their bad days a little better and I need to find that for me.

​So here’s to finding a little piece of happiness in what I call hell. 💜

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