Well, I haven’t been here in a while to type up a blog but I figured today was the perfect time to just go for it. Today has been a struggle for me mentally. I’m filled with so many emotions and feelings, mostly selfishness. I’ve been questioning quite a lot lately.. all of which pertains to my pregnancy.
Being pregnant is supposed to be a happy and exciting time for women. This baby was planned and is loved by so many people already.. it’s just hard to feel complete when there is so much missing. I have been dealing with the loss of my grandparents for years but when I’m going through a life change I always fall back into old feelings.
I woke up sad, in a bad place. I kept remembering all the fun times I had with my grandparents and fell even sadder that none of my kids will ever know my grandparents. They’ve got two sets of grandparents of their own, so they’ll experience the same things I did growing up just not in the same manner.
I’m not sure how many of you have followed me on here from the beginning but I have always been very open about my relationship with my grandparents. They raised me from early on until we moved down south. I was very close with them and losing them turned my whole world upside down. They were more parents to me than my own parents.
So, back to this morning. Remembering all of these things immediately made me hate them for leaving me so soon & not being here for my kids to get to know. I have no clue where this came from because I never had these harsh thoughts or feelings when I was pregnant with my older girls. I was legitimately pissed off at them. It set my mood for the whole day.
It was really nice out today so I took the girls to the park. Again, I’m sitting there watching them play and I begin feeling hateful again. I couldn’t believe they’d have the audacity to leave me before I was ready to let them go.
Now, I’ve interned and volunteered in hospice so I know it’s wrong and stressful for our loved one when we think selfishly like that so in immediately switched up my way of thinking to a more positive route. My kids are extremely lucky to have the guardian angels that they do looking over them.
They may never KNOW my grandparents but I’ve made it a point to talk about them to my girls as much as possible. They WILL know about them. About all the great memories I have, about how amazing they were, about how my grandpa was my hero growing up. They’ll know. Even if it takes everything in me to show them that.
On top of these emotional roller coasters I’ve been on today I’ve also been dealing with lots of pain.. already. I’m 12 weeks (13 on Sunday) and I’m already dealing with sciatic nerve pain and I believe my round ligament pain is showing it’s ass. It hurts to walk, to sit too long, to stand too long. It’s a lose lose situation but one that I will push through. I might complain every day but I will get through it.
These aches and pains have caused me to fall behind on house stuff and it’s becoming overwhelming very quick. Again, something we will push through but it won’t be fun. Both clean and dirty laundry are staring me down waiting for me to take care of them and today I just couldn’t. It took so much out of me to take the girls to the park but since it was so nice out I didn’t want to stay inside all day. So, eh. Whatever.
Needless to say I had a rough day. Laying in bed now, I’m finally starting to feel a little better. Maybe it’s typing this up. Who knows. But I’m going to leave it at that.