Most of y’all know I suffer with both depression and anxiety. It’s no secret, I’ve always been a pretty open book. Today I will be sharing one of my latest experiences with my mental health and how it is affecting my personal life.
I was in an abusive relationship for a year and a half. I was 12 (months away from turning 13) when I first met him & 14 when I ended the relationship. It was a rough time in my life and I’ve shared my journey through that time period is this post.
During our whole relationship I was told “You’re a piece of shit.” “You will never be worth anything to anyone.” “No one will ever love you.”
I was able to close that chapter, move on, and be happy. I am happy. I know that none of what was said to me is true or even applies to my life today. However, when I’m having a bad day with life or with the girls, I hear his messages over and over. It kills me. As much as I know they’re not true I can’t stop hearing them.
It has gotten much worse lately and during this week while my kids have been gone on vacation I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on decisions I’ve made, things I’ve done, etc. It’s allowed me time to understand, in a deeper sense, why I chose the life I have and why I have decided to parent the way I do.
My mom sucked as a parent. Still does. I always vowed I would never allow my children to feel the way I did growing up. I have worked so hard to make sure I do everything right in my girls’ eyes. I know that all parents have days where they get so frustrated that they do or say something (usually yelling for me) they aren’t proud of. I know that’s normal, a part of parenting. But when I’m in that moment I hear how worthless I am, how I’m a piece of shit, and how no one will ever love me. It. Is. Hard. So fucking hard. Every time I hear it I fall deeper into a hole and it’s beginning to be hard to see the light.
I cannot say I regret a single decision I’ve made for my girls or how we have chose to parent. I know I’m a much better mom than mine was. I’m present, I show them (and tell them) I love them daily, I support them, I teach them.. everything my mom never did with us growing up.
My girls are happy, healthy, and loved. By far the most important factors. They have food, a house, clothes, toys, etc. They have all they could ever NEED and most of what they want.
So, why.. why is it so fucking hard for me to stop hearing these voices? Can I make it stop? Will it ever stop? Or will he always have THAT control over me?