Mental Health

Hearing Voices..?

Most of y’all know I suffer with both depression and anxiety. It’s no secret, I’ve always been a pretty open book. Today I will be sharing one of my latest experiences with my mental health and how it is affecting my personal life.

I was in an abusive relationship for a year and a half. I was 12 (months away from turning 13) when I first met him & 14 when I ended the relationship. It was a rough time in my life and I’ve shared my journey through that time period is this post.

During our whole relationship I was told “You’re a piece of shit.” “You will never be worth anything to anyone.” “No one will ever love you.”

I was able to close that chapter, move on, and be happy. I am happy. I know that none of what was said to me is true or even applies to my life today. However, when I’m having a bad day with life or with the girls, I hear his messages over and over. It kills me. As much as I know they’re not true I can’t stop hearing them.

It has gotten much worse lately and during this week while my kids have been gone on vacation I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on decisions I’ve made, things I’ve done, etc. It’s allowed me time to understand, in a deeper sense, why I chose the life I have and why I have decided to parent the way I do.

My mom sucked as a parent. Still does. I always vowed I would never allow my children to feel the way I did growing up. I have worked so hard to make sure I do everything right in my girls’ eyes. I know that all parents have days where they get so frustrated that they do or say something (usually yelling for me) they aren’t proud of. I know that’s normal, a part of parenting. But when I’m in that moment I hear how worthless I am, how I’m a piece of shit, and how no one will ever love me. It. Is. Hard. So fucking hard. Every time I hear it I fall deeper into a hole and it’s beginning to be hard to see the light.

I cannot say I regret a single decision I’ve made for my girls or how we have chose to parent. I know I’m a much better mom than mine was. I’m present, I show them (and tell them) I love them daily, I support them, I teach them.. everything my mom never did with us growing up.

My girls are happy, healthy, and loved. By far the most important factors. They have food, a house, clothes, toys, etc. They have all they could ever NEED and most of what they want.

So, why.. why is it so fucking hard for me to stop hearing these voices? Can I make it stop? Will it ever stop? Or will he always have THAT control over me?

fuck.

xoxo

9 thoughts on “Hearing Voices..?

  1. Whenever I hear something unpleasant voices from the past, I will sing a pleasant song or repeat a positive mantra to drown it out. At first, it took some time but as it became a habit, it worked faster. Now, those voices RARELY rear their ugly heads. It does get better! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for this! I’ve been trying so hard to work past this last hurdle of my past and it’s taken a lot out of me. At first I thought it was my crazy pregnancy hormones rearing their head but no, it’s not. They’re probably not making it any better, though. 😅

      Like

  2. I just read your story and I think you have indeed came a long way. And you should definitely be proud of yourself. You have got a lovely family which I am sure your ex bf would be so jealous of. You know what might help you to stop these noises? Call that person and let him know how happy you are and how his curse couldn’t destroy your life. Or just flush him out. You will be fine☺️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. YOU ARE ENOUGH. Let me repeat that. You are enough ❤ You are so strong for pushing through these experiences and sharing them with others. I believe that letting feelings out rather than keeping them inside helps rid voices. I hope posting this has brought you some peace!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! Every little bit of talking/blogging I’ve done has helped! I used to be ashamed and kept it all inside but I’m so glad I’ve opened up and shared my experience with y’all!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s