After my husband and I got married I wanted so badly to have a second child but he wasn’t ready. This was something I knew I didn’t want to force on him because it wouldn’t be an enjoyable experience if it was forced. I needed to wait until we were BOTH ready for that chapter.
We got married on November 11, 2011. It was everything I could ask for, and more. We had the wedding in our back yard with, maybe, 40 people surrounding us. It was small, intimate, and family oriented.. which was most important to us. We only invited our immediate families and a few friends. Hubs had his best man and one groomsman. I had my maid of honor and one bridesmaid. All of our food was made by family, all of our decor was hand-made by my MIL and myself.. it was just right for us.
Towards the end of January 2012 I began having what felt like really bad period cramps, however I was not on my period. It was weird but I just pushed it aside to being stress and all that. Over the next couple days it got worse and worse – they actually began feeling like contractions at this point and I knew something was wrong. I was home alone – hubs was at work – and I was slightly scared. I took a hot bath to see if that would take any of the pain away. Nope. Didn’t even touch the pain. I laid on the couch and tried to get some sleep. I woke up needing to go to the bathroom and when I went I was bleeding way more than I ever had during a period and there was some type of something that I had passed. I immediately called my OB because I suspected miscarriage but did not want to believe it.
It was confirmed that I had miscarried at 13 weeks pregnant. I had no idea I was even pregnant. The birth control that I was on at the time caused me to not have a monthly period so I hadn’t “missed” my period and I didn’t have any symptoms of pregnancy up until the miscarriage process began. Even though I didn’t know I was pregnant, nor were we trying to get pregnant, this still hurt very much.
Fast forward a few years when we decide to start trying to conceive baby number 2. As much as I wanted another baby and to experience pregnancy again the thought of it scared the shit out of me. We conceived very quickly but my anxiety throughout the whole entire pregnancy was ridiculous. There wasn’t a day that passed where I didn’t wonder if today would be the day it ended.
The day I went into labor I remember thinking “She’s not going to be okay.” Rationally I knew she was. She was moving great and her heartbeat at my appointment the day prior was strong and healthy. She moved up until she was delivered and has been a squirmer ever since.
The point is.. no matter how many successful pregnancies you have.. having just one miscarriage can fuck with your mind so much. Even with our last pregnancy my anxiety was there. I know some of this is normal but what I experienced was not “normal” pregnancy anxiety, at all. It was far beyond that. Still is. I have had three successful pregnancies that resulted in three beautiful daughters and my anxiety around my children is still there. It will not go away.
I am not saying that you have to have a miscarriage to have such bad anxiety surrounding pregnancies.. this is just my experience with it. My postpartum anxiety has been at an all time high with E and it is to the point where I am ready to ask for help and I haven’t wanted to be on any medications in years.. This is a whole new level of anxiety for me and it’s scary.
I don’t think I know anyone who has went through PPA that I can talk to so I have been writing in a journal documenting my symotoms and episodes. It has helped but I will be discussing these instances with my OB when I have my 6-week check-up this coming Friday.
Please, if you need to talk about anything feel free to message me via the contact page!
Until next time..