If I’m being honest..

Ever since I finished off my blogging challenge with an open letter to my “dad” I’ve been having a lot of mixed emotions about whether or not I should have wrote more, shared more, etc. Writing about my experiences in life has helped not only myself but others as well so I decided to go a little deeper with how I feel.

First things first, I’ve never had a relationship with my “dad” and I haven’t seen him in almost 18 years. I was 13, I think, the last time I saw him. Before that it was a couple times sprinkled over a 10 year range. I don’t remember much but how could I? And if I’m being honest… I’m not even sure he’s my real dad but that’s a story for a different day.

I don’t remember him signing over his rights when I was three. All I remember was not seeing him until I was much older and being told “that’s your dad” and wondering why he hadn’t been around before or more often.

Four years ago when Kelly Clarkson released Piece by Piece and I heard it for the first time I bawled. I’ve never related more to a song than this one. For years I wondered what I did wrong or why he hated me. I went through many periods of life where I pushed people away because I thought if my dad could leave without looking back then anyone could.

Piece by piece I fell far from the tree

I will never leave her like you left me

And she will never have to wonder her worth

Because unlike you I’m going to put her first

And you know,

He’ll never walk away,

He’ll never break her heart

He’ll take care of things,

He’ll love her

And piece by piece he’ll restore my faith

That a man can be kind and a father should be great

He has tried on multiple occasions to get in touch with me. He messaged me for the first time when I was 18 and pregnant with my oldest child. He “wanted to be able to be a grandpa to her because he didn’t know how much time he had left” and I simply told him she had two amazing grandpas in her life and she didn’t need a revolving door.

He messaged me again when I was 26 and pregnant with my middle child. Y’all see the pattern? Again, he wanted to be a part of my kids’ life and again I told him no. I didn’t need him and neither did they.

He messaged me again at which point I can’t remember how old I was but this time I was not pregnant. We hadn’t gotten pregnant with our youngest yet. But again, he wanted to “be a part of all of our lives, meet my kids and husband, and just be there” but given his track record why should I believe him?

His excuses were always blaming my mom. Which, whatever. Like I said I don’t know what happened with them and don’t really care. All I know is that effort wasn’t put in place on his end. He could have taken my mom to court, he could’ve done more. I mean.. he did sign over his rights to me when I was 3. So… that’s enough for me to feel he doesn’t care.

I don’t need to explain to anyone, including him, why I don’t want him in my life or my kids’ life. NO should be enough for everyone but of course it isn’t. If you are given the opportunity to be in your kids life and you don’t take it then you are a piece of shit. So, no.. I don’t want him in my life. I don’t want him in my kids’ life. He’s never given me a real reason for not being there.. the only thing he does is recycle the same excuses over and over again. Which I can’t be bothered with, honestly.

If and when he decides to explain his reasoning, I’ll listen. That doesn’t mean that I will allow him back in my life but I do feel I am owed an explanation as to why he couldn’t be bothered to be a part of my life until it would have benefited him (me giving him grandkids).

Because of my “dad” not being there I have grown a real hatred for deadbeats, all of them. Family, friends.. it don’t matter. If you’re a deadbeat I want nothing to do with you. If you cannot put your kids first, before everything else, I want nothing to do with you. Here lately I have had to cut a lot of people out for their choices in life and inability to do for their kids. I thought it would bother me but it really doesn’t. I know what it feels like to not be wanted by a parent. I refuse to be associated with anyone who is making their child(ren) feel the same way. Just be there. Put them first. Show them what love is. Show and teach them how perfect they are. That is what a parent does. Parents don’t put their wants ahead of their kids’ needs. Quit being a shitty person, grow up, and figure out your priorities. Those babies deserve it.

As many of you know I got pregnant with Autumn when I was 18 and I was scared to death that her dad would leave. We were engaged and I trusted that he would stay but deep down I had that worry and it stemmed from my own dad leaving me. I didn’t want history to repeat itself.

I am very grateful and blessed with my husband. He’s an amazing father and I could not ask for a better dad for my girls. He busts his ass everyday so that our girls have everything they need and then some. He’s there, he’s present. He cares. He loves those girls.

Great, now I am crying again.

I’m just so unbelievably lucky that I have a good man.

If this is something that you can relate to I am very sorry. Know that you matter just as much as anyone else. It is truly THEIR loss for walking away. It took me a long while to realize that and I wish I had believed it MUCH sooner. Don’t hesitate to reach out, I will always listen!

Thanks so much for reading!

xoxo

 

 

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